For how long?

For how long are you going to keep crying to sleep?

For how long will you feel that anxiety within you which is screaming out to be realized. 

For how long will these sleepless night last?

For how long are you going to break everytime? 

For how long are you going to be judged? 

For how long are you going to be someone who you aren't? 

For how long are you going to fake your emotions?

For how long are you going to still be hurt? 

For how long are you going to love him?

Recovery

"Ask me whatever you want, I promise to grant it." he said. She with defiance,"Don't ask me that, because whatever I want, you can never grant me." He questioned her asking what and then she just whispered,"I want you." Karma had finally played it's game, karma had finally bitch slapped her. This was enough to make him walk away and her hopes also. 

Her eyes had never shed such stormy, scalding, heart-wrung tears, lying there in despair, staring at herself cry in the mirror and pull her hair, screaming to release all the pain she held within. She could no longer handle the pain, the heartbreak. Because now she missed the late night calls, and the morning wake up calls. For once he said that he would've never left her, no matter how hard things would've become. He said that he wishes she would see herself from his eyes and see what difference she made in his life. He said that she was the one who taught him how to fall in love, he said that he fell in love with all of her, her flaws, her laughter, her dumb jokes, her anger and every small thing about her made him only fall deeper in love. The human heart tends to cling on false hope, go against all the reasons to believe the fact, every night she wished for him to call her and say those magical words so that everything could just be all right again. 

She thought she couldn't have been hurt worse, just when she came to know that, he's in love. He's in love with someone. The world stopped to make sense to her. Logic and reason were no longer to penetrate. She could no longer handle the desolation, she could not longer keep her head held high. With every drop of her blood falling on the floor, staining the floor with her love for him, she said, she was happy for him. She said that her happiness laid in his happiness. But was this true? All what she wanted now was to be alone. She laid forsaken in a corner, reading all the letter he had given her.

But for solitude also breaks with it's yearning. You can't live alone here, you have to feel all the feelings of the world, you have to love again. Well haven't we haven't seen babies fall down while they're learning to walk? So do they give up there? No, they stand up and try again. Just because she had been hurt once doesn't mean she'll be hurt all the time and give up. She had to build herself up again and learn to love again, she had to find the other half which would complete her.

Jodi Picoult once said,"Once you had put the pieces back together, even though you may look intact, you were never quite the same as you'd been before the fall."

Maybe she could never be the same person she was again, she might never get there but for once you lose yourself, theres no looking back, its a call for a new beginning.

There is no place like Scottish.

When people asked me why i wasn't sad about school getting over? Wasn't I going to miss school? Having everyone around me getting emotional, I didn't feel what they were feeling. I didn't feel that school was over, I didn't have that feeling which convinced me that I was never going to see any of them again, that feeling that it's all over here.
Everytime I just said,"I will, I will be really upset, I will realize that school is over the day I step into a new school, not seeing the same faces, the same corridors, the same classes, the same teachers, not singing the same prayer and school song everyday, not cribbing about going down for assembly every morning, not cribbing about saying the assembly where each one of us would embarrasses ourselves, not listening to Ashok bhayia's "Good morning" everyday, not being out in the hallway more than in the classroom, not making 10B the usual hangout class, not spending breaks with friends, not watching people
play basketball, not waiting for every SUPW/Lib period to have a free period, not waiting for every PT period which each student waited for a week, and which kept reducing throughout the years, not preparing for the annual concert which every student loved, which was the best time of the year, in where all the students put in all their hard work and put up and amazing show, not waiting for every sports day where we would cheer our houses, where at least, once a year, all the similar houses came together and had the green to win, not having the every Friday meet with your friends, not waiting for another 3 day trip which use to get all of us excited, so excited that some of us even forgot to get the proper uniform, when everyone reported to the school on time an lastly to end with, not having another farewell."
Now that I am in a new school, I realize that's no other place as Scottish. There's no other place like home. Scottish was home, our teachers were our mothers. For all those who hate Mondays for school, will miss them once they don't have school anymore. Spending 12 beautiful years in this school has made me realize that, no matter where I may go, no matter where I may be, I'll always take a part of Scottish with me and a bucket full of memories.
Scottish gave me the best of friends, gave me memories which I would cherish life long, the bonds which were unforgettable and unbreakable.
30 years from now, when I look back, I will be very proud to say, that yeah, I had the best school life and the best of friends. My friends were who made this journey remarkable for me. For those are the people who've made me who I am now.
Now that, I'm stepping into a new life, I will always cherish all the laughter, the tears, the anger, the separation, the I-don't-want-to-talk-to-you-phase, the love phase.
Scottish has made me what I am today.

Once a Scottishite, Always a Scottishite. 

Spurned Love

Struggling through weeks just to survive, opening your eyes every morning with a hope that yes, everything is going to be all right. 

Spending 24 hours thinking how it used to be and how it is. 

Thinking of what you were and what you are now. Crying yourself to sleep, hoping that someone out there would care. Is this what is love? Is this feeling love? No it isn't. Love in poems is explained to be as one of the most beautiful feelings, it's said to be magical and mesmerizing. But what she feels is nothing even close to love, what she feels is pain, betrayal, hatred,  jealously and agony. To love someone she gets hatred, to care for someone she's called fake, to be there for someone she's called worthless. 

For I agree, she hasn't been the best girl herself, she hasn't been his dream girl, she hasn't been worth his love, she hasn't been faithful. 

But now, I see her change, I see her find her happiness in him, I see her fighting against all reasons to make her self believe that he's all she's ever wanted and that he will come back. She's passing everyday thinking that, he will realize that there's a girl back there, who wants to be heard. But for all the pain they've caused each other, it will be better if they were apart. For now, his happiness is someone else and she lies alone in a corner, feeling nothing, but loneliness. For now, he's living a happy life and she's living with a faint hope of him coming back. For now, he's in love and she's in pain. For now, he is subject to affection and she's subject to the hate. For now, he's moved on and she's still in something but, love. Know you miss him not when he's with you, but when you've lost him forever. 

Realize now that when your heart breaks, you got to fight like hell to make sure your still alive. Because you are. And that pain you feel? That’s life. The confusion and fear? That’s there to remind you, that somewhere out there is something better, and that something is worth fighting for. 

She's promised to herself and her bestfriends that now, she's going to be a stronger person, she's going to a warrior, she's going to build a shield around her which no words will be able to get through. Someday, she'll be just fine. She'll be laughing. She'll be having the time of her life. Not today, not tomorrow, but one day, everything will be fine. Till then, she won't be alone, she will have her bestfriends who will have her back and be with her all the time. She didn't deserve the hate, the ignorance and the pain. 

She wasn't a heartbreaker, she was a girl who was afraid to fall in love, now that she is, she's afraid to fall out of love.